The Lack of Containment Is a Problem

Why it's important for women to find the feeling of containment and how to do so

I wrote a note after watching Teal Swan’s video on “containment.” Although the title is focused on a woman needing the feeling of “containment” from a man, she mentions that men need to feel that feeling of “containment” when they’re growing up in order to provide it to a woman later on in life.

What is it? Teal Swan describes it as a clamshell (representing a man) and the pearl inside (representing a woman). The man creates a nourishing space that enables the woman to be soft, and receptive and allows her to grow safely. Women cannot feel good in a relationship without the feeling of “containment.” If you removed the shell (the containing man), the woman would retract, become hard, and go into a state of defense. I suggest watching the video to learn more of her thoughts on this.

My note on it did pretty well, but I realized that eventually, I wouldn’t be able to find the note, and I should write something more permanent about it. I agree with Teal and that’s because I have felt this missing from my life since I was a child. I didn’t feel safe.

I’m only coming to terms with this now because I had a house growing up, and there were people looking after me and my brother while we were young enough to need that, but my father wasn’t there most of the time. Perhaps a woman could feel contained by her family (without a father). Teal mentions in the video that some women get the feeling from their family (but I’m guessing that’s a lot easier to do with a father).

However, I think single-parent families make this almost impossible because the single parent is just trying to keep things together and can’t really look after all of the children's needs. If the single parent is having difficulty feeling contained, then how can that parent model what it looks like to feel safe to his or her children?

I wrote in my note that this causes many of the problems in our society today. If a woman doesn’t feel contained by her mate or her family, she will then look to the government to provide that feeling of safety. It’s why the US government has become a smothering nanny state. If we could get back to dual-parent households we could raise generations of children who feel contained and wouldn’t look to the government to save them.

So, from a Drama Triangle standpoint, women who were left not feeling safe from their families growing up and thus didn’t get that feeling from their romantic relationships later on look to the government to “Save” them. Because we cannot do what we’re meant to do (be soft, grow, and nurture others) if we don’t feel safe. The video also mentions boys who don’t feel “contained” growing up don’t know how to provide that to women either. So, if you’re a man, I would still suggest watching the video.

But I’m writing this on my Law of Attraction Substack because we repeat how we felt in childhood. Any traumatic event that left its mark on us keeps repeating until we can heal from it. So we’re constantly attracting things that make us feel unsafe. What that manifests as is different for everyone. We all went through the COVID panic, but not everyone was afraid of COVID.

If you’re a paid subscriber to The Drama of It All and not a paid subscriber to this Substack, please email or message me on Substack to get added (if you desire) so you can read the rest.